Most of us feel ’emotionally needy’ at times in relationships – meaning that during a difficult or challenging time in our life, we need more emotional support than usual. I get it. Its pretty common. We all long to be understood, supported, loved, and accepted. And it’s ok to feel this way – periodically.
Yet, being overly emotionally needy – too demanding, clingy, annoying, fragile – can spell disaster for your relationship. Being a healthy person means standing on your own, being able to tolerate aloneness, and manage their own ‘sh*t. That’s how healthy relationships thrive and grow. Our ability to express our needs and being able to be independent inside of a relationship has much to do with our personality and attachment style – our style based on how we learned to relate to our parents and how emotionally available they were – or not. And depending on your attachment style affects how a person can get caught up and turned ‘upside down’ in relationships.
Three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant help create how secure or insecure we feel in relationships. Secure people present themselves as warm and loving and were most likely raised with caregivers that were consistently caring and responsive. Avoidant people often come across as dismissive, often minimize closeness and were raised in an environment that was less emotional and one in which insecurity and neediness were not tolerated.
Anxious people are the ones that present and who more often than not seen as overly needy. Some of the key characteristics are:They minimize or deny their needs and look to others to fill their emotional gaps and emptiness in a way that often becomes manipulative.
- They worry about their partner’s love and ‘search out’ for all the mannerisms and nuances that might indicate that their partner doesn’t love them.
- They are often emotionally overwhelmed and will reach out and ‘need’ their partner more to make them feel secure or constantly remind them of how they feel.
- They are insecure and overly sensitive to any slight.
- They typically had parents (or a parent) who was inconsistently nurturing. This created inner angst and turmoil and contributed to their anxiety – especially around relationships.
For the partner? They feel emotionally tapped out and overwhelmed by their neediness. They are worn out. And yet, anxious people do the very thing they know they shouldn’t do – they push their partner away. But its like they cannot stop themselves. In their mind, they might be screaming, ‘stop doing this’, ‘don’t be so needy’, ‘don’t keep asking he/she the same question’. Their behaviors are very counterproductive, yet in the moment, it sounds like a good idea and feels so comforting – for them. However, their partner experiences something very different. What is their partner saying to themselves? RUN. RUN. RUN. Because no matter how much their try, it just isn’t enough. It never is. You cannot encourage growth, compliment them, or reassure them – enough. They have an insatiable and exhausting emotional ‘neediness.’
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?
- Do you look to your partner to fulfill all your needs in love, sex, and support?
- Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation? Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself – always looking outside ‘self’ for reassurance?And even if you get it, do depend on it all the time? Do you feel abandoned if your partner is not available? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you?
- Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way, doesn’t meet a need?
- If you are alone, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions? Or when alone, do you go over past conversations or worry that he/she might leave? Is it difficult to be alone?
- Is your relationship the center of your universe? What about your relationship with other friends or family? friends or your kids?
- Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner’s plans?
- Do you get jealous of things that he/she is doing without you?
How To Overcome Emotional Neediness
1.) Become aware. Awareness is the very first step to recognizing there is a problem. This is key. Becoming aware and beginning the process of garnering deeper insight and understanding about how you relate to others is crucial. It also help you recognize how your anxiety and anxious feelings occur with you. Connect the dots with your past with your present. What is your attachment style? What would you like to change? How would you like to act differently? Answering these questions will help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns.
2.) Sit with your anxiety and the uncertainties of life. They will continue. Life is full of shades of gray, uncertainty, and unanswered questions. Uncertainty can also be an instigator for change. Even if in the moment it ‘feels like a good idea’, work on thinking about how you would feel if you didn’t do it. If you give into the anxiety and impulse every time, you will never know how it could be different (think OCD tendencies). If the impulse (obsessive thought is there) and you act on it (the compulsion) all you are really doing is creating the same circle and reinforcing the behavior. Sit with that anxiety and anxious feeling and don’t react!
3.) Don’t suffocate someone. No matter how close you are to another person, it is unhealthy to spend all of your time with him or her. They will feel overwhelmed and start to do things that back them out of the relationship. If it’s difficult for you to tolerate alone time, you will inevitably sabotage your relationship. Simply force yourself to back off in order to give both of you some space.
4.) Work on YOU! Improve your self-esteem. If you struggle with being needy, odds are you probably lack self-esteem. Start doing things on your own, learn to be single, focus on yourself and what you did – or didn’t do – to contribute to the demise of the relationship. Engage in activities that are healthy for you and learn to feel more secure and confident. Remember – a person can boost up your esteem and make you feel good once in awhile, but this is not their job. It is our responsibility to do that for ourselves. Another person cannot be your only source of happiness. That’s s a lot of pressure to put on another person.
5.) Learn to trust. Neediness is often associated with not trusting in others and often a fear of abandonment. If you start doubting someone’s feelings for you or fear being abandoned, you will start to put the ‘neediness’ wheels in motion – that actually provoke the person to want to run from the relationship. Do you feel abandonment? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you? Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself – always looking outside ‘self’ for reassurance?
True non-neediness begins when you stop depending on others to take care of you and seeking fulfillment externally – because doing this, only creates a black hole of never having enough. Ask yourself, what do I need to do to become more self-reliant and independent? What changes do I need to make to get me to a better and healthier place?
Hi Kristin,
Wonderful post. I find myself in an interphase of both avoidance and secure. The avoidance was nurtured I’m my upbringing. There was not a lot of love expression there. In fact until very late my parents never told me that they loved me and iny father part I feel it was forced. But i learned to become secure in who, whom and what I am and find that joy comes from within.
Hi Ralph
Sorry for the delay. Thanks for reading the blog and taking the time to send a note. Appreciate it. Glad to hear that you were able to find a way to feeling more secure about yourself and no doubt affecting your relationships. Good for you. Parents don’t always provide what we need nor have the skills to do the same. Often they do the best they can. Thanks again! Kristin
This has been so helpful for me.I am that Needy person. And have made all this mistakes in my relationship. I always felt Needy. But couldn’t put it into prospective. Thanks
Hi. Glad to hear you were able to benefit from the article!
Thank you!
I’ve been on a journey of affirming my own identity the past two and a half years – in many ways becoming a 40+-year-old adolescent. The codependency that kept me bridled for most of my life has been creeping up as “neediness” as I learn how to be and have friends all over again. I knew something was off – you just helped me put a finger on it. (You and some patient, caring friends willing to call a spade a spade.)
Thanks for putting your insight out here for us!
Thank you Dr D.
Our youngest daughter said I was ‘needy’ and your article has helped me to understand what she means. The anxious attachment style is something I can relate to as I had a love hate relationship with my father. He had a very difficult life at times and alongside mum, they did the best they could to raise us on very modest income. After my father died I found counselling was very helpful. Being a less than perfect parent myself, your article has been informative and helpful too, thank you!
Hi! sorry for the very late reply! I just saw this comment.I am happy that the article was helpful for you and your daughter. yes, attachment style is very important especially in relationships. Thank you again!
Thank you so much for this post. I honestly wanted to read more because I’m learning so much about myself. I just push a very beautiful person out of my life because of my needy behaviour and I really want to work on myself and grow because I know it caused the other person a lot of problems as well. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!- I grew up with loving grandparents, but my mother nor my father weer ever really there for me, my mom wouldn’t even hug me, but now I know that all I need is my own self approval- I will keep learning more about myself. This made me feel a bit more confident on how I will approach this break up and this lesson in my life.
Hi! Sorry for not seeing this for many months! not good! I am glad that the article was helpful for you. I know that attachment style affects how we react and act in relationships and often feel more needy when our intention is not to be that way. Its good to need – but when someone become overly needy, its time to think about your attachment style, triggers, and why you feel this way in your relationship. Thanks again!
I have had trouble understanding why my relationship with my partner is on the verge of collapse. I know that I am needy but i never used to be. Why do insecurities in my relationship bring out the neediness? I am pushing my partner away and I don’t know how to correct my behavior. My intentions are always good and whole hearted and yet i constantly feel like I am fighting for time with my partner and question why we are not spending more time together. Its very frustrating because my partner is a great person I just feel sometimes his life is too busy for me, when really its just me not being independent.
Hi.Thanks for taking the time to read the blog and comment. There is often a reason or reasons why people become more ‘needy’ or insecure in relationships. Often its the result of a relationship that becomes negative to an unresolved issue that gets played out in a relationship. We need to examine what our triggers are so that we can identify those times that we feel insecure and needy. If you feel his life is too busy for you, you should think about if it wasn’t as busy as you believe it to be and you spent more time together, what would it look like? What do you feel is missing?
Thanks. It is good article. It helped me to understand myself.
Hi! Glad the article helped you! And thanks for stopping by and taking the time to write a comment! Appreciate it!
I am going through a tuff time my wife of 17yrs put a protection order on me and filed for divorce. She says That I need to focus on myself and get better she says she still loves me but doesn’t want to ever go though this again. She said I had no self esteem and very needy and she alway would walk on egg shells woundering what mood I was going to be in. For year she asked me to see a counselor about my anger and low self esteem and I would say ok then after a visit or two think I was good and go on with life only to repeat it again and again. The last time I lost my anger and broke pictures and basically demolished our living room. I was told by my brother that she was upset and didn’t want to see me and I should think about getting some help more than just a counselor. I checked my self into a inpatient treatment. While I was there that’s when I found out about the protection order and that she filed for divorce and I was crushed. She always was the won that said we can get through anything as long as we have each other. When I Got out I had to go to my parents to stay and had a tuff time understanding why she couldn’t be here for me. I would send her text call her she would respond once awhile she would answer her call and would tell me she still loves me it just she needs to find herselfand never want to be put in that situation anymore and that I need to work on my self. I tell her I miss her and that this time is different because I have learned different things about how to express my self instead of exploding and getting angry. She say she doesn’t know what the future will be like but she is still wanting a divorce. I have been reading about stuff on the internet and really wanting her back becouse I miss being with her and wishing I would have done the inpatient therapy when I still had her to be with. Reading your post has made me think and realize that it was more than my anger and low self esteem that made her leave. It was that I was needy and always relaying on her to make me calm and happy. I didnt see it tell now and really want help.
HI! sorry for delay. Well, it sounds like you are getting to a better place in your life. Often times we don’t know what we need or what to do until we do. You should read the book The Divorce Remedy. Its a great resource. I am glad you are getting help. Also glad the post helped. Continue with the help and get good resources. I wish you well. Dr D