Most of us feel ’emotionally needy’ at times in relationships – meaning that during a difficult or challenging time in our life, we need more emotional support than usual. I get it. Its pretty common. We all long to be understood, supported, loved, and accepted. And it’s ok to feel this way – periodically.
Yet, being overly emotionally needy – too demanding, clingy, annoying, fragile – can spell disaster for your relationship. Being a healthy person means standing on your own, being able to tolerate aloneness, and manage their own ‘sh*t. That’s how healthy relationships thrive and grow. Our ability to express our needs and being able to be independent inside of a relationship has much to do with our personality and attachment style – our style based on how we learned to relate to our parents and how emotionally available they were – or not. And depending on your attachment style affects how a person can get caught up and turned ‘upside down’ in relationships.
Three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant help create how secure or insecure we feel in relationships. Secure people present themselves as warm and loving and were most likely raised with caregivers that were consistently caring and responsive. Avoidant people often come across as dismissive, often minimize closeness and were raised in an environment that was less emotional and one in which insecurity and neediness were not tolerated.
Anxious people are the ones that present and who more often than not seen as overly needy. Some of the key characteristics are:They minimize or deny their needs and look to others to fill their emotional gaps and emptiness in a way that often becomes manipulative.
- They worry about their partner’s love and ‘search out’ for all the mannerisms and nuances that might indicate that their partner doesn’t love them.
- They are often emotionally overwhelmed and will reach out and ‘need’ their partner more to make them feel secure or constantly remind them of how they feel.
- They are insecure and overly sensitive to any slight.
- They typically had parents (or a parent) who was inconsistently nurturing. This created inner angst and turmoil and contributed to their anxiety – especially around relationships.
For the partner? They feel emotionally tapped out and overwhelmed by their neediness. They are worn out. And yet, anxious people do the very thing they know they shouldn’t do – they push their partner away. But its like they cannot stop themselves. In their mind, they might be screaming, ‘stop doing this’, ‘don’t be so needy’, ‘don’t keep asking he/she the same question’. Their behaviors are very counterproductive, yet in the moment, it sounds like a good idea and feels so comforting – for them. However, their partner experiences something very different. What is their partner saying to themselves? RUN. RUN. RUN. Because no matter how much their try, it just isn’t enough. It never is. You cannot encourage growth, compliment them, or reassure them – enough. They have an insatiable and exhausting emotional ‘neediness.’
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you look at your romantic partner to make you happy?
- Do you look to your partner to fulfill all your needs in love, sex, and support?
- Do you look to your partner for constant reassurance and validation? Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself – always looking outside ‘self’ for reassurance?And even if you get it, do depend on it all the time? Do you feel abandoned if your partner is not available? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you?
- Do you get upset if your partner doesn’t react in a certain way, doesn’t meet a need?
- If you are alone, do you do things to fill the void with other distractions? Or when alone, do you go over past conversations or worry that he/she might leave? Is it difficult to be alone?
- Is your relationship the center of your universe? What about your relationship with other friends or family? friends or your kids?
- Does it bother you if you are not included in your partner’s plans?
- Do you get jealous of things that he/she is doing without you?
How To Overcome Emotional Neediness
1.) Become aware. Awareness is the very first step to recognizing there is a problem. This is key. Becoming aware and beginning the process of garnering deeper insight and understanding about how you relate to others is crucial. It also help you recognize how your anxiety and anxious feelings occur with you. Connect the dots with your past with your present. What is your attachment style? What would you like to change? How would you like to act differently? Answering these questions will help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns.
2.) Sit with your anxiety and the uncertainties of life. They will continue. Life is full of shades of gray, uncertainty, and unanswered questions. Uncertainty can also be an instigator for change. Even if in the moment it ‘feels like a good idea’, work on thinking about how you would feel if you didn’t do it. If you give into the anxiety and impulse every time, you will never know how it could be different (think OCD tendencies). If the impulse (obsessive thought is there) and you act on it (the compulsion) all you are really doing is creating the same circle and reinforcing the behavior. Sit with that anxiety and anxious feeling and don’t react!
3.) Don’t suffocate someone. No matter how close you are to another person, it is unhealthy to spend all of your time with him or her. They will feel overwhelmed and start to do things that back them out of the relationship. If it’s difficult for you to tolerate alone time, you will inevitably sabotage your relationship. Simply force yourself to back off in order to give both of you some space.
4.) Work on YOU! Improve your self-esteem. If you struggle with being needy, odds are you probably lack self-esteem. Start doing things on your own, learn to be single, focus on yourself and what you did – or didn’t do – to contribute to the demise of the relationship. Engage in activities that are healthy for you and learn to feel more secure and confident. Remember – a person can boost up your esteem and make you feel good once in awhile, but this is not their job. It is our responsibility to do that for ourselves. Another person cannot be your only source of happiness. That’s s a lot of pressure to put on another person.
5.) Learn to trust. Neediness is often associated with not trusting in others and often a fear of abandonment. If you start doubting someone’s feelings for you or fear being abandoned, you will start to put the ‘neediness’ wheels in motion – that actually provoke the person to want to run from the relationship. Do you feel abandonment? Are you afraid your partner will not be there for you? Are you looking for others to make you feel good about yourself – always looking outside ‘self’ for reassurance?
True non-neediness begins when you stop depending on others to take care of you and seeking fulfillment externally – because doing this, only creates a black hole of never having enough. Ask yourself, what do I need to do to become more self-reliant and independent? What changes do I need to make to get me to a better and healthier place?
Hi Kristin,
Wonderful post. I find myself in an interphase of both avoidance and secure. The avoidance was nurtured I’m my upbringing. There was not a lot of love expression there. In fact until very late my parents never told me that they loved me and iny father part I feel it was forced. But i learned to become secure in who, whom and what I am and find that joy comes from within.
Hi Ralph
Sorry for the delay. Thanks for reading the blog and taking the time to send a note. Appreciate it. Glad to hear that you were able to find a way to feeling more secure about yourself and no doubt affecting your relationships. Good for you. Parents don’t always provide what we need nor have the skills to do the same. Often they do the best they can. Thanks again! Kristin
I see myself in all of those questions unfortunately. I’m in a long term relationship and I’m very insecure and have anxiety issues. I grew up raised my aunt and uncle because I lost my parents when I was 10. My aunt and uncle were never able to show me any kind of love and affection. Now I can see how much that affected in the person i am today. Im cringy and needy and I get extremely down if my partner doesn’t give me affection. I’m afraid I’m pushing him away because of that. I really want to work on myself before it’s too late. Thank you for taking the time to write this blog. Its very helpful.
Hi Ari. Very sorry to hear about your struggles. Losing your parents at age 10 is very difficult and sad. I am sorry for your loss. No doubt this has affected you in your life. Have you read the book Attached? Have you worked with a therapist? There are many things you can do to feel secure not only in yourself but in your relationship. I am glad the blog helped you. Dr D
Wow, this sounds just like me, I usually have that OCD bug in the the back of my head saying just say it or just send that message. I know I have a problem and just like you said it’s pushing my wife of 11 years away from me. There are trust issues do to both are pasts since marriage, it’s just trying to find a way to let the past be the past. Your blog really put things into perspective. It’s just my turn to be strong enough to say “self, enough is enough.”
Hi Matt. Glad it helped. As I have suggested to others, having a conversation with our partners often helps. Taking responsibility to manage our feelings and understand where they come from, also helps. And the past is the past. Good point. We cannot change our narrative but take the steps for the present and ultimately our future. Dr D
I feel I am both an anxious and needy person, i have been s in a relationship with a truly loving man for almost 28onths and feel I am going to push j away. I am very aware of my neediness and need to do something about it quickly!
Hi Louise. Thanks for reaching out. Awareness is the first step. Get the book Attached. Its great and a very insightful book. Start to take the steps to overcome what you feel is you being too needy. Speak to him about your concerns and create an open dialogue. Hope that helps. Dr D
This has been so helpful for me.I am that Needy person. And have made all this mistakes in my relationship. I always felt Needy. But couldn’t put it into prospective. Thanks
Hi. Glad to hear you were able to benefit from the article!
Thank you!
I’ve been on a journey of affirming my own identity the past two and a half years – in many ways becoming a 40+-year-old adolescent. The codependency that kept me bridled for most of my life has been creeping up as “neediness” as I learn how to be and have friends all over again. I knew something was off – you just helped me put a finger on it. (You and some patient, caring friends willing to call a spade a spade.)
Thanks for putting your insight out here for us!
Thank you Dr D.
Our youngest daughter said I was ‘needy’ and your article has helped me to understand what she means. The anxious attachment style is something I can relate to as I had a love hate relationship with my father. He had a very difficult life at times and alongside mum, they did the best they could to raise us on very modest income. After my father died I found counselling was very helpful. Being a less than perfect parent myself, your article has been informative and helpful too, thank you!
Hi! sorry for the very late reply! I just saw this comment.I am happy that the article was helpful for you and your daughter. yes, attachment style is very important especially in relationships. Thank you again!
Hi Dr. D!
My boyfriend says I’m too needy and he wants his own quiet time. I am definitely a needy person, I strongly believe it was in my upbringing. I read your article and it gave me insight. It’s hard to give someone space when they ask for it because we needies feel unloved or unwanted. Any suggestion on how to just give him space? It seems hard.
Hi! thanks for reaching out. yes at times its difficult to give someone their space but if you don’t then you fall into the distancer/pursuer relationship. The challenge is working through your emotions that come up with he asked for ‘space’. he just needs time to breathe. By giving him space, you allow the relationship to grow. To work through your feelings when he wants space, is to be mindful and acknowledge them and recognize where they come from but don’t continue to tell yourself the same narrative. It just reinforces the negative feelings. We all have a first family and its our job to manage our own stuff and create a new path. Hope that helps! Dr D
Thank you so much for this post. I honestly wanted to read more because I’m learning so much about myself. I just push a very beautiful person out of my life because of my needy behaviour and I really want to work on myself and grow because I know it caused the other person a lot of problems as well. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!- I grew up with loving grandparents, but my mother nor my father weer ever really there for me, my mom wouldn’t even hug me, but now I know that all I need is my own self approval- I will keep learning more about myself. This made me feel a bit more confident on how I will approach this break up and this lesson in my life.
Hi! Sorry for not seeing this for many months! not good! I am glad that the article was helpful for you. I know that attachment style affects how we react and act in relationships and often feel more needy when our intention is not to be that way. Its good to need – but when someone become overly needy, its time to think about your attachment style, triggers, and why you feel this way in your relationship. Thanks again!
I have had trouble understanding why my relationship with my partner is on the verge of collapse. I know that I am needy but i never used to be. Why do insecurities in my relationship bring out the neediness? I am pushing my partner away and I don’t know how to correct my behavior. My intentions are always good and whole hearted and yet i constantly feel like I am fighting for time with my partner and question why we are not spending more time together. Its very frustrating because my partner is a great person I just feel sometimes his life is too busy for me, when really its just me not being independent.
Hi.Thanks for taking the time to read the blog and comment. There is often a reason or reasons why people become more ‘needy’ or insecure in relationships. Often its the result of a relationship that becomes negative to an unresolved issue that gets played out in a relationship. We need to examine what our triggers are so that we can identify those times that we feel insecure and needy. If you feel his life is too busy for you, you should think about if it wasn’t as busy as you believe it to be and you spent more time together, what would it look like? What do you feel is missing?
This made me feel a lot better I rewlly needed to hear this.
Hi Makayla, Glad it helped. I get a lot of people responding to this article so that tells me that many people like you are struggling. Kristin
I grow up in Foster homes and boys homes from a early age. My childhood was very broken. I found my self looking for Acceptance from everyone that I encounter and constantly searching for approval from all my relationships. It’s scary to think of being alone. I’ve driven most people out of mt life by being needy.
Hi William. no doubt that your upbringing has really affected you. I am sorry to hear about your childhood struggles. but what’s great about your comment, is your insight. And that’s a start. You should seek out therapy or do some reading on how you can work towards not pushing people away. The fear of intimacy, being abandoned again runs to the core of many people in similar situations. learning how to sit with your feelings and not doing what you normally do – run – will be key in your ability to make changes. yes, you will have the feelings of fear of being left or not being enough, but mindfulness does help. Also, learning how to be alone with yourself and being healthy. Dr D
Thanks. It is good article. It helped me to understand myself.
Hi! Glad the article helped you! And thanks for stopping by and taking the time to write a comment! Appreciate it!
Hi!
What a wonderful article, that k you!
I’m a very anxious person and that always leads to looking for security from my SO, but overtime I’ve gotten a little better at just sitting and feeling anxious.
Do you have any other resources or recommended reading or watching along the lines of this article?
Thanks!
~Joseph
Hi Joseph. Thanks for reading the article and commenting. Appreciate it. I have been suggesting the book Attached. Its a easy read with short questions to answer to determine your attachment style as well as ways to move from anxious or avoidant to secure. Hope that helps! Dr D
I am going through a tuff time my wife of 17yrs put a protection order on me and filed for divorce. She says That I need to focus on myself and get better she says she still loves me but doesn’t want to ever go though this again. She said I had no self esteem and very needy and she alway would walk on egg shells woundering what mood I was going to be in. For year she asked me to see a counselor about my anger and low self esteem and I would say ok then after a visit or two think I was good and go on with life only to repeat it again and again. The last time I lost my anger and broke pictures and basically demolished our living room. I was told by my brother that she was upset and didn’t want to see me and I should think about getting some help more than just a counselor. I checked my self into a inpatient treatment. While I was there that’s when I found out about the protection order and that she filed for divorce and I was crushed. She always was the won that said we can get through anything as long as we have each other. When I Got out I had to go to my parents to stay and had a tuff time understanding why she couldn’t be here for me. I would send her text call her she would respond once awhile she would answer her call and would tell me she still loves me it just she needs to find herselfand never want to be put in that situation anymore and that I need to work on my self. I tell her I miss her and that this time is different because I have learned different things about how to express my self instead of exploding and getting angry. She say she doesn’t know what the future will be like but she is still wanting a divorce. I have been reading about stuff on the internet and really wanting her back becouse I miss being with her and wishing I would have done the inpatient therapy when I still had her to be with. Reading your post has made me think and realize that it was more than my anger and low self esteem that made her leave. It was that I was needy and always relaying on her to make me calm and happy. I didnt see it tell now and really want help.
HI! sorry for delay. Well, it sounds like you are getting to a better place in your life. Often times we don’t know what we need or what to do until we do. You should read the book The Divorce Remedy. Its a great resource. I am glad you are getting help. Also glad the post helped. Continue with the help and get good resources. I wish you well. Dr D
My significant other told me I was emotionally needy, but he said he would deal with it because he understands I’ve been through a lot in my past. However, I recently have looked at myself as becoming more independent and I really thought I was not emotionally needy anymore. I’m a member of a a and I have not had a drink in over a year and I have work the 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. I feel I am better today, but I feel I have a long ways to go. I am 55 years old and he is 49 years old and he’s never had an alcohol problem. You’re very logical and a thinker and I am a dreamer. I know he cares for me and we both admitted there is a strong connection between us. And he did almost leave me and that scared me to death! He is a good man and I’m grateful that he is in my life. He is a breath of fresh air so I will work on my emotionally neediness that I didn’t realize I had anymore until now. Thank you!
Hi Kathleen. I just realized I never responded to your comment. My apologies. Sounds like you are on the right track and figuring out how to become more independent while in your relationship. That’s a good thing. Glad the article helped! Dr D
I find myself coming back to this post when I’m feeling stuck in the circle of neediness. It serves almost as a pep talk, talks me off the edge. Thank you for your words being my inner dialogue. Amazing peice.
Hi Jessica. Glad the blog helped you and continues to help you through challenging times. Thanks for the support! Kristin
Dr.D this is so me, I hate how insecure and needy I am especially in my relationship and on top of that i have anxiety that i feel makes things a whole lot worse. My boyfriend is constantly comforting me I feel bad cause he to suffers from anxiety and PTSD. I’m an overthinker and it kills me inside that I dont knw how to fix this. I can’t enjoy his company without arguing about petty stuff or even things we’ve already talked about. I need help.
Hi Vanessa. First thank you for reading the article and taking the time to comment. And I glad that the article was of help for you. Generally speaking, what I would suggest for people who experience the similar as you, is to start identifying your triggers. What is happening that is causing your anxiety? What are your feelings? What is happening from the past that continues to affect you? People often overthink and repeat their narrative (I am anxious, I am insecure) which only reinforces the anxiety. It is often suggested that we first make a commitment to want to change, and then start to come up with a plan to make that happen. Small steps that will lead to bigger changes. Hope that helps! Dr D
Great article! Hits the nail on the head for me and similar to previous comments I was never this way in the past and somehow a learned behavior. I would like to know when I start feeling needy and feel an overwhelming wave of emotions of anxiety and also start to feel debilitated where I feel like I can’t get out of my head- What are way you can suggest to self soothe and relax those feelings of panic? To get yourself out of that feeling before it consumes you and then you push that on your partner?
Hi Elaine. Thank you for taking the time to read the article and respond. Appreciate that. And glad the article was of help for you. Generally speaking people who experience similar challenges, I often suggest the following: When are the times that you are feeling needy? What is triggering you to feel that way? When in your past have you experienced similar thoughts and feelings? Often our neediness comes from an insecure attachment in our first family and carries through to our relationships. Why do you feel needy? Also, acceptance therapy works, too. Accepting how you feel in the moment without passing judgment on yourself. It’s learning how to calm yourself in the moment (being mindful, taking deep breaths, not telling yourself the same negative narrative) to help you manage your anxiety. There are things we can all do to start the process of creating a new path – which starts with a commitment to self and a willingness to change. And also knowing that it’s a process with lots of fits and starts. Coming up with a plan to change our life. Hope that helps! Thank you again. Dr D
Great article Happy I read this
Glad it helped Don! thank you for reading it and commenting on it. Dr D
I have just realized that I’m emotionally needy in my relationship. My boyfriend has told me that he feels so boxed-in and walking on eggshells in our relationship. It troubles me because I have thoughts that he prioritizes me over his friends so I feel inferior and insecure. I know my neediness stems from the lack of love and affection my parents had while growing up, but I’ve been an independent and self-reliant person my whole life because of that. I guess it’s hard for me to balance the self-reliance I had before to a relationship with someone else.
Hi Dawn. Thanks for reading the article and taking the time to respond. Many people find themselves in a similar position. But it sounds like you are finding the connections between your past and your present. We can often be independent but the real challenge is when we get into a relationship. That’s when things really come up for people. But there is a process to all of that. The goal is to ask yourself is he really putting his friends first or is it something different? Learning how to step away and look at the situation more objectively will help you get on the other side of it and get to a healthier place. Hope that helps. Dr D
Hi!
A lot of this hit home for me. After a pretty terrible string of bad relationships I’d given up, spent a little over a year saying that I would never do it again. In the process I realized how suffocating I had been because of my fear of the person not loving me back. I had a very traumatic childhood, abusive alcoholic father, spent my entire childhood being bullied at school and am just now, at the age of 36, realizing the profound impact it’s had on me and how I depend on others to validate me. I’ve had someone really amazing come into my life, he’s very new to Boston and is looking to expand his social circle. If it doesn’t include me I immediately assume the worst and start panicking. I’ve mostly resisted taking this out on him because it’s my own baggage and trauma that I’m trying to understand and manage. This was a very helpful article.
Hi Danny. Thanks for reading the blog. Glad it was helpful. It can be a challenging process to say the least. it’s really important to learn how to sit with the anxiety and the feelings of abandonment. It will help you work through them more quickly. Ask is this a fact or feeling? It is just my sh*t? Good for you for working on it to get it on the other side of it. Thanks again, kristin
I struggle with this in relationships. I am either far too busy for my partner, or too needy. I cannot seem to find a happy middle ground. I’m clingy like I dont get enough time with them, try to have time together in text messages , and feel worse when they make plans without me or make (what feels like) no effort to see me. I dont have a lot of close friends or family. A single mom and just want companionship.. somedays it’s hard to get normal conversation that’s not just yup and wow from your partner. How do I just not be me?
Hi Manda. Integrating all the important things in our life can be tricky. Its hard to find a balance. Examining your feelings when you get that way (too needy or clingy) to uncover their origins so that you can start to move away from these types of behaviors and cultivate healthier relationships while feeling better about yourself along the way. Dr D
Definately needy. My father was not there for me at all emotionally and my mother overcompensated for this. As result, I turned to women to give me that maternal care that I had become accustomed to. This is why a stable father is so important for children. I pushed my wife away because she felt like I could never trust her because I was always asking for reassurance that she loved me and would never leave. She felt like she could not be honest with me because I might lose it if she said anything negative about me. I always manipulated her to get all my emotional needs met, but I always needed more and I burned her out. I was very critical of her if she did not do everything to make me happy. I also used marijuana and alcohol to fill that void. Now we are separated, but she is giving me another chance to change. I see what I need to do, but this process of breaking dependancy is PAINFUL. No pain, no gain though. For me, I turn to Jesus Christ, because he can handle the load of my neediness. He does not mind reassuring me every day that he loves me and will never leave me.
Hi Jordan. Thanks for reading and responding. We all have struggles we need to overcome. Awareness is key. We all rely on different sources to help us through difficult times. It seems like you have done that as well and that’s good. I wish you well on your journey.
It’s my first time having a partner, and I’m learning so much about myself through him. After we got more used to each other, he would spend less time with me. I realized that I’m needy, I want him by my side 24/7 and I’m always pissed when he decides to hang out with his boys. We talked a lot, sometimes I took the fault and tried to be better, sometimes he took the fault. Yet Nothing changed. I already know that we won’t last long, but I hate the fact that love is so beautiful and simple but humans are too complicated to keep it that way. I don’t know why it’s so strange to admit that my childhood was shit, I clearly see the patterns of the relationships inside family and how it affects the realationship now. We have ups and downs, except only i feel the downs. I just want him to be happy, he can’t fix my past, it’s my baggage. In the end it’s my problem being needy, not his. So I’m trying hard to keep it cool. I freaked out about a small unimportant event, and asked myself “why the feck do i allow myself to feel miserable because of that?” So I started researching about needyness and actually cried alot about all the stuff i read. I have the power to heal myself. I hope I can fix this inside the current relationship, before repeating it over and over again. I don’t even know what I expect from commenting this… But i like the article you wrote and that u answer to all the comments so kindly hehe
Hi! glad the article was helpful. The first step is awareness – which you have. And yes only you have the power to make necessary – though difficult changes. We all have a history, a first family, our first chapter. Yet what we do with that is up to us. We can’t go back and rewrite the narrative – but we can learn from it. Connect the dots, take necessary strategic steps to make changes, while accepting how you feel. Hopefully, by doing those things, you will be to create a healthier relationship – the one you are in. thanks again! dr. D
Help!! This article ABSOLUTELY describes my wife to a tee. The hard part is finding help on what to do from the other side!!! I love my wife very much and am committed to being with her, but she is an emotional vacuum. No matter how much time, affection, attention, and love she gets… she is left being angry with me for “not doing enough”. I’m not looking for justification for me to not change myself… I’m a typical male who sometimes struggles with showing affection and whatnot… but she DEF gets plenty of it…. to no end. We got together with me having three kids from an ex-wife… we had a child together, and a lot of the time we can be happy… as long as she gets ALL my free time and full attention. Should she get tired or irritated it turns into a timebomb of sensitivity where literally ANYTHING can set her off into feelings…spent countless nights trying to console a crying angry person who accuses me of not loving her enough. Which of course is not true! I love her so much. Hate seeing her struggle with these things. I’m at the point where I do basically nothing with friends… nothing away from her. At a ballpark and watching a baseball game WITH her and she still will bring up later how I didn’t pay enough attention to her while there. It seems impossible to really bring up and address these things to her cause she is soo sensitive. I feel myself getting pushed away from her. I feel the patience for dealing with it thinning each time. And I don’t want it to! How do I approach this with her?? As logic seems to have no room in her feelings..
Hi Hubby.Thanks for reaching out. That’s a challenging position to be in.Is she in therapy? Sounds like = from the info you provided and generally speaking someone who presents like this often has some deep seated issues with loneliness and abandonment. It is her job to figure that out. All the consoling in the world will not change anything unless she is willing to do the work and figure out what’s going on. Maybe suggest some couples counseling as a way to help her? Or suggest that these are the things that you have done, and what is she hoping for? From your perspective of a spouse – what is left for you to do? It is not the job of a spouse to be the constant cheerleader and the person that does all the heavy lifting – speaking across the board. i would start there. Dr D
Does this apply in a relationship where infidelity has occurred? I have found myself fitting the description even more so after finding out that my significant other strayed from our marriage. Is it even possible to apply your article after such an event?
Hi.Thanks for reaching out. No doubt, post infidelity, people feel more needy. And this often makes them feel worse. Focus should be on salvaging the marriage (should that be their/your choice) and transparency by the person who committed the infidelity so the other person can start to feel safe again, and feel less needy. if you are feeling needy, then what makes you feel this way? What do you need that isn’t being provided? I might start there. Thanks again Dr D
Thank you for this article. I was involved with an avoidant for about 2 years and she just up and left for a job out of state a few weeks ago. Her survival mode was not just evident in her avoidant relationship tendencies but also she feared losing her job and couldn’t find a new one nearby. So, she cooly explained her logic to me of having to accept a job out of state, 1500 miles away, then placated me over the ensuing weeks before she left with optimism of maintaining a long distance relationship – but when she settled in there she said she is going to be incredibly busy to plan a visit anytime soon, and I should ‘do my own thing’. This seemed like a tactic of avoiding confrontation in person with me.
I lean towards anxious but am mostly secure, but she is so avoidant it would bring out my anxiety once in awhile. The hard thing is letting go of what was fun for both of us and it was great even up until the day she departed, even though I know she has a lot of childhood trauma that will likely keep her from committing to anyone for very long. Who knows, we may end up seeing each other at some point, but I’m not counting on it.
Hi. Thanks for reading and commenting. It is remarkable how trauma especially in childhood affects someone’s attachment style and ultimately how they respond and react in relationships. For many purely avoiding any type of intimacy will keep them stuck in the same patterns throughout their life until they decide to make changes relevant to that. No doubt – as in many relationships – there were moments of fun (as you mentioned) and good times. These keep us bounded to relationships that at times have already met their expiration date, though its hard to see the trees beyond the forest. People find comfort in familiarity even though its unhealthy (continuing to avoid). For you, the hope in the future for a healthy relationship that provides you with the fun, safety, intimacy, and love you so deserve. I wish you well. Thanks again, Dr D
Thanks for this article! Just recently realized that I’m needy. I don’t really act on it to my partner but I do it by social media stalking. She’s a beautiful free spirit girl who loves to have fun with her girlfriends and I like having her around. As you see her going out a lit while I put her on a pedestal has brought out a lot of insecurities. I even went as far as apologizing for being needy and she said I’m not so stop being weird. I think I have my own needs that need to be met and I use being with her as a crutch for my happiness. Hopefully I figure out what I need so I don’t ruin this relationship or more importantly, my sanity because I’ve realized this is unhealthy.
Hi! thanks for reading and posting a comment. Appreciate it. Much can be said for having an interdependent relationship = time together/time apart. The space is where the intimacy grows. If you find yourself depending on her for your happiness (and by the way good insight) then find ways to make yourself happy, internally. The ways she makes you happy should be an added bonus to how you feel about yourself and how you internally make yourself happy. This will help you feel less needy. Learning how to be alone, spend time apart, cultivate your own interests are all ways to create a healthier relationship. Hope that helps! Dr D
Needed to read this. I’m definitely anxious but I’m wondering why. I had loving parents, a loving marriage of 26 years. I lost my husband in an accident November 2017. Could the loss of a spouse and getting back into the dating world at 50 be the reasons I’m so anxious? I’ve met someone I’m crazy about (in love) but I know I’m being very needy and seem to need constant reassurance. How do I overcome? Is there a book you recommend? Help. Thank you.
Hi! sorry for delay. Sure, traumatic loss like that can trigger real anxiety about the future. We often appear ‘needy’ if we feel our needs are not being met. I have been recommending the book Attached. Amazing book! Here is the link. I think it will help you. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=attached&qid=1561571264&s=gateway&sr=8-2 Dr. D
I often think my anxiety plays a bigger part in the trust factor of my relationship . My mind often takes things and run with them or make up things that I imagine in my head. As a result, it causes me not to fully trust my partner, and be a bit needy for affirmations and confirmations that they love me or won’t leave me . I end up doing this despite my partners clean record or slate of being irrefutably faithful. I also believe that the lack of feeling I’ve done enough to satisfy my mother is a constant trigger or me feeling like she doesn’t truly love me. I’d like to know what you would classify my problem as and how I should go about dealing with it . I really want to change for my self so that I can raise my son and be a better partner to my girlfriend.
Hi. Thanks for email. Sounds like you might have an anxious attachment system working against you. Though having the insight that you do is great. I have been recommending this book, Attached. Have you read it? Its an amazing book and think it could be of help to and for you. Sometimes depending on our attachment styles, unless we have the skills and tools we need to learn how to change, we continue to do more of the same. it can be frustrating. Here is the link to the book. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=attached&qid=1561571264&s=gateway&sr=8-2 thanks again, Dr D
Thank you for this post. I have noticed that I am emotionally dependent on my significant other. I want to start healing myself and I want to become emotionally dependent. Your article really helped me find a place to start with my healing.
Hi Alexandra. Thanks for reading the blog and taking the time to share your feelings. Its important to examine why we have become – possibly – overly emotionally dependent on our partner, but some dependency is normal, natural, and warranted. We are hard wired to connect. You have good insight and know a good place to start is with yourself and healing. Good for you. The book Attached, is a great resource. I encourage everyone to read the book. Hope that helps. Thanks,Dr D
Thank you, Dr.D for this article. Though I am not in a relationship, the advice still holds dear for me as I am a needy person in friendship. I have understood that it is a trait in me, and more than likely due to my upbringing, and I am not proud of it. In fact, I feel embarrassed. As such, I am trying my best to change that. The problem comes along when the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you just don’t know what to do. And in those moments, I have the tendency to absentmindedly make things worse – in this case, my best friend. I have the tendency to have other people make me feel better because I don’t feel loved and it’s nice to hear that you mean something to someone or that someone is there even if you know that you are loved and appreciated the and that they are there for you. But sometimes I can say the wrong things unknowingly and that frustrates me even more. I have decided to take a break from everything, including people, this time around and focus on myself in hopes that I can fix me and make things work again.
Hi Asad. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate it. I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. People need people. Plain and simple but sometimes how we express that in relationships can backfire. You are not alone in this regard. Have you read the book, Attached? It is a great book and i recommend it to everyone. Also, John Gottman has several blogs and articles about relationships. As you take a step back from people/relationships, its good to read other articles, if you haven’t already. this helps people feel less alone and the articles often offer sound advice on how to make small but important changes. It is good that you have that insight. Also looking for patterns in your relationships when you feel ‘needy’ so you can identify triggers. Hope that helps. thanks again. Dr D
Thanks for that. I was in a relationship for almost 2 years with someone who triggered all my insecurities big time, An immature fearful avoidant guy who cheated, stashed, was in dating apps all day, reminding me we were not in a relationship although we loved together. I became extremely anxious and needy. Meditation has been a life saver for me. Now I am more comfortable in my own skin, I am attracting guys with secure style attachment and I no longer have contact with that someone.
Glad you are in a better place and you found the blog helpful! Thanks Dr D
Wow!!!what an awesome read Dr.D, not only was the article insightful, the comment session was mind blowing I must say. I just resentsly realized that I am anxiously attatched to my girlfriend of 5years. I have cheated on her twice and she’s forgiven all three times, however, I still entertain the pessimistic notion that one day she ll cheat on me too. This plays out in my constant cynicism about her male friends, social activities and fashion choice(mini skirt and bikinis). I really love her but I think I might never overcome the adverse effect of my cheating. I’m at the verge of letting go of this precious relationship and fighting it thru until my mindset is fixed. Thanks for this article though, whether in this relationship or in another I am hell bent of getting better for whoever I’m with.
thanks for reading and replying. Appreciate it. Many people struggle as you do. Check out the book Attached. I feel its required reading. There are many great blogs out there so read more about how you can heal and grow. Don’t resign yourself to living a life being pessimistic. It sounds like you want to change so reading and getting support from others, is key. Hope that helps. Thanks again! Dr D
Wow!!! This is the most eye opening article that I’ve read! Im 49 years old and i just realized that I’m that needy person…just within this last week!!!
I’m married, going thru a divorce. Not sure if the relationship will end but the legsl marriage contract will definitely end.
I have/had 3 girlfriends in the last 8 months and i find myself STILL doing the same things with those partners.
Just this week ive started to work on trying to change. Articles like this one are amazing in my quest for ” healing”.
I’ve fit that classic example if being a very needy person.
Thank you and i would appreciate any suggestions or advice.
Hi Charles. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Appreciate it. You should also considering buying the book, Attached. I recommend it for just about everyone. People who present as you – oing through a divorce but moving through relationships quickly – would benefit from the book as well as taking a look at your dating patterns. If time isn’t taken between relationships to learn and understand what happened, the patterns will be repeated – which isn’t always a good thing. Learning to sit with being alone and figuring things out for you, proves beneficial. Hope that helps. Wish you well..Dr D
Wow I fit all the characteristics of an emotionally needy person.I ll definitely use this tips to be a better partner and a healthier person.Thank you so much
Hi Julie. Glad the article helped. I have been recommending the book Attached to my clients that can also be helpful. thanks again!
Great article. I have noticed that my ‘neediness’ really sprung up when my fiance and I got engaged. Ever since I feel like I have been looking for signs that hes not interested in me any more. The slightest action, thing he says, or thing he DOESN’T say, translates to me that he either doesn’t care, lost interest, isn’t attracted to me any longer, lost the flame.
I know its “ME” but it sure is hard to rectify.
Hi Niki. Glad it the article was helpful. I suggest the book Attached. it is an invaluable resource especially for relationship challenges such as yours. An easy read and a book that offers great questions and suggestions. Thanks again, Dr D
Hi can you suggest some ways to improve my self esteem
Hi Jason. Thanks for reading the article. I have suggested to many people the book Attached. This is a great book that helps people in profound ways. There are also books on improving your self-esteem. Generally speaking, to improve your self-esteem, you should consider all the ways in which you can esteem yourself. Look at the different roles you play in your life (child, co-worker, friend, etc) and look for the positives in those roles. Often there is one area of our life that we feel we have low self-esteem and tend to focus on that. Look at your accomplishments, set your day with intentions and a positive outlook, set goals., do things you enjoy. Those are just a few ways. Hope that helps!
It’s not easy to improve your self-esteem – or at least it doesn’t seem easy because it builds incrementally. Doing things for yourself every day that make you feel like accomplished something. Setting and meeting challenges and goals. Practicing self-care and self-discipline. Going to the gym and taking care of your body on a regular basis. Keeping your living situation tidy. Reading self-help. Listening to your inner critic/cheer leader. If you are depressed, doing these things will help, too. Doing the thing you don’t want to do, but you know you SHOULD do… Also, making lists of what your negative voice says, and then addressing each item and defending yourself. The most effective thing you can do, though, is to set goals for yourself and then work towards achieving them. It’s a slow process, but the low-self-esteem hole will begin to fill up. It takes work.
Great suggestions! It is a process and does take time. thanks!
This is a very good post, but it really needs to be edited! There are issues with grammar and syntax. The core information is so helpful, and I really need to understand it. It would be really worth having someone proof and edit it.
Thank you, though.
Hi Robin. Glad it helped. Will take a look at the editing issue. Thanks for heads up!
This has been a lifelong challenge for me as I was adopted by a very cold and abusive family that set me up with a “charge” of very low self esteem and deep seated fears of abondonment have plagued all of my friendships and relationships. As a 55 year old, I still struggle with this in my friendships, though am in a very stable and happy friendship with my husband of 25 years. It is extremely difficult to overcome the depth of this negative emotional charge I have endured for my entire life. This article is helpful, so thank you.
Hi Nina, glad it helped. And very sorry to hear about your upbringing but good for you for a long term marriage, despite all of that. Sometimes i recommend people being their own ‘scientist’ meaning – instead of replaying the same narrative in your mind (I am not good enough, they will abandon me), come from a place of strength and recognize all the good things you have accomplished. Change your script. If you had a friend with the exact same experience, what would you say to them? And then use those same kind words that promotes self compassion. The stories we tell ourselves can and often are very destructive. You can rewire your brain by telling yourself a different narrative and speaking to the negative thoughts from your perspective now – as an adult. Hope that helps. Dr D
I read the book Attached prior to seeing this blog because I was trying to understand the last person I was in a relationship with. As hard as it is to have anxious attachment, it is also so difficult and hurtful to be the one who had to end the relationship because it was so unhealthy and smothering. I wished there was something else I could have done but I know he has personal work to do. I feel like a “failure” for not being able to fix it. It’s helpful to read all the comments
Hi. Thanks for reading and responding. That’s a tough place to be no doubt and people want to feel like they can ‘fix’ the other person, but we cannot. All we really can do is demand more from ourselves and live the authentic life that we want to create. It often starts with making healthy choices for ourselves – what type of person do I want to attract? What traits are important to me? What are my red flags? What are my patterns? Instead of doing things the same way, change should first be made for ourselves and then eventually we attract the type of person good for us – not the other way around. I had to do my own work many years ago in this same vein, so I get it. Dr D
what do I need to do to become more self-reliant and independent? Please HELP, I am sabotaging my life
Hi Ambarish. Sorry to hear about your struggles. What would it look like if you were to be more self reliant and independent? If we give ourselves the bandwidth to think about that, we can create an image for ourselves. Then that becomes our ‘endgame.’ Then you set small short term goals to reach that end game. What would it look like if I wasn’t sabotaging my life? The goal is to come up with the solution and focus less on the problem. Check out the Miracle Question under Solution Focused Therapy. It works and i use this often in therapy. Hope that helps. Also, read blogs on the internet and start to focus in on specific changes you want/need to make to live a more authentic life. DrD
I’ve read this post because I’m aware that I am a needy person. I’ve been working hard on controlling my need for attention from my partner, since I know it bothers him, but it’s a true struggle and it often puts me in a place where my heart hurts.
I listen to my partner when he tells me he needs space and I’m generally fine for the days we don’t talk.
However, what hurts my heart is when i feel like I’m putting more effort into the relationship then he is.
I go out and do things that may not be something I like to do but he invites me and I go b/c it’s with him and I find ways to make things fun and I end up having good times anyway.
But when I want to do something it’s generally a no from him. And when I ask for better suggestions it’s just an idk response. So that leaves me unable to do things.
I do everything I can to show how much I love and care for him and I don’t feel like their is an equal return.
I’m aware of my flaws and I work at them. At the same time though, I don’t think it’s wrong of me to want to be someone’s priority and I do t think it wrong to desire being shown the same level of affection that I give from my partner.
I’ve never been anyone’s priority before or anyone’s special person. Is it wrong to want those things? I can do things on my own, I’m self sufficient and I can be alone, but why do I have to be alone? I’ve spent the majority of my life alone and it hurts. I’m not talking about sitting and reading a book alone, but unsupported when you need it alone. Why is it wrong of me to not want to be alone? To have someone I can talk to and be with at anytime? Someone I can care for and have that care returned? I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting those things and making that clear in a relationship.
Hi Rae. Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear of your struggles. From what you have shared, it sounds like (from your perspective) that the relationship is more one-sided than a partnership. I say this only based on the information you have provided to me. If you have never been someone’s priority, then that should be something you work on. To constantly feel like you are not a priority would hurt anyone. It is not a bad thing to want and need to be with a person that you care about. The neediness part is more about when we are unable to be alone or seek the validation of another person on a consistent basis. If you don’t want to be alone and feel that you are still alone in this relationship, then maybe a second look at how healthy (or not) the relationship is. It is important to receive care as we give care. And if you are in a relationship, why do you go days without speaking? My suggestion is to read (if you haven’t already) what a healthy relationship looks like and what it is (vs what it shouldn’t be). This will give you a good template to work from. I hope that helps. Thanks again Dr D
My situation is a little different. I have no issue in my actual committed relationship, but sometimes I get really needy with close friends. It has happened a few times in my life – and to be honest, there’s usually and underlying (if not expressed) sexual attraction with these guys.
My latest is a friend with whom I’ve become very close – we do everything together. He is moving away cross country in a few months and the news has definitely rattled me. I’ve had a fear of abandonment with several other friends who have moved away. I know deep down that we will keep in touch and see each other – but due to the move we won’t be together as much, and I have an irrational fear that he will forget me. He’s never done anything to indicate that he’ll forget me, but I find myself anxiously awaiting his texts, emails, etc. – though I didn’t really do this before I knew he was leaving.
In my mind I’m anxious and needy – though I have managed (I think) to not show it to him. But in my mind, I’m trying to do everything to make sure he doesn’t abandon me (emotionally and as a friend…I know he has to physically move).
How do I deal with the irrational belief that he’ll abandon me without looking or acting needy?
Hi. Thanks for the comment and reaching out. We can also be needy in our friendships. It sounds like you have been friends for a long time and are attached to him. Perfectly normal and expected. Why not just talk to him about your fears and discuss how you can stay connected? That might help you calm your fears. also, if you have abandonment issues from the past it would be common to have those same fears especially if your friends and you have not stayed connected. Abandonment issues often go back to early childhood and are reinforced throughout our lifetime in different relationships. Addressing those fears (are they a fact or a feeling for example) will help. Dr D
Is it too late to turn things around if have been proven to be needy in a relationship ? I recently got into a new relationship. My first one after a long marriage and after a few years of being alone. This person makes me so happy that I want to be with them all the time & most of time it seemed like they did too but as things went on I could sense my partner wanted more alone time but wasn’t always good at expressing it. Now she has suggested slowing things down but I really sense she is looking to end our relationship. I know what I have to work on but I’m concerned if it’s too late.
Hi Jon. Thanks for reaching out. Why not just have a conversation with her about your observations? Just ask when is a good time to talk and share. This will open up some good dialogue and give you more information without presuming how she feels, or doesn’t. Often we read into things and if we take the time to speak to our partner, it really helps clarify things. And hope that helps! Dr D
Thank you for writing this post. I have just ended a 3 year long relationship with someone who had very strong anxiety which ended up pushing me away. After about a month I then started something new and casual with someone else I found myself to follow every SINGLE point you made as to the characteristics of anxiety. I am sure I have had it all my life but never had to worry about it due to my parter who was so insecure and open emotionally i never once was concerned. I am very aware of my own anxiety and desperately trying to avoid my anxious behaviour with this new person, but I have been unable to get this new person out of my head. I realise that as you said in your article, I seek reassurance from others and unable to find it in myself. To try and become stronger and more independent, I have taken to picking up on hobbies that I used to have, Camping, hiking, drawing, singing, but no matter what I do I still cannot forget about this person and worry about what they are thinking, if they are cheating on me, if they like me, etc.. I desperately want to become a stronger individual and able to control my anxiety and not rely on others to be happy. Is there anything that you can think of that I could do to help improve myself and become stronger?
Thank you again for your post.
Hi Alex.Thanks for taking the time to read the article and comment. Why do you feel they are cheating on you? Do you have a history of that in your relationships or does this new person? Where does your anxiety come from and what are some of your anxious thoughts? Are your thoughts a fact or just a feeling? There are ways to help manage your anxiety better by identifying what your thoughts are, the root of them, triggers, and then considering other ways to accept them (mindfulness) so you can eventually move through them. Is this person just as open as your previous partner? The book Attached is a book that I often recommend to people. there are also many ways to control your anxiety (blogs on the internet) and tangible steps you can start to take. For example, Solution Focused Therapy considers the Miracle Question. This is a great question to ask yourself that get you started on setting small goals to reduce your anxiety. Hope that helps. Dr. D
Thank you for having this website to help people that need it. I love my wife first of all I like to say that and I’m hurt because it I don’t feel it comes back the same. My wife called me needy and it is true I am I’ve realized before her saying this yet I felt disrespected even though it was true. I am highly driven and I’m anxious I drink a lot of coffee and I think that maybe one of the root causes. I have not been married that long I realize I have to work on my stuff I’ve been working on my stuff for a while now and marriage makes those things pop up so here I am to work on myself I feel she blames me, without looking at herself enough I’m gone a week at a time on the road I’d like to call her everyday to talk and it’s as if I’m bothering her now and I’m getting the hint and it does not feel good at all even if I am needy I find it disrespectful especially since I’m gone all the time that’s my only way of connecting with her on the road. I don’t want to think that she may be unfaithful and using neediness for me to give her more space which I do as an excuse to cheat on me when I’m not home this is just a hypothesis I don’t know. I have been through the mill when it comes to relationships it makes me think my wife married me to take care of her now that she’s got me and a house to live in now, these things I said may not logical for me to think but these are things that I think when she met me I was happy and content by myself and now that I’m married I feel that I took steps backwards that I’m jeopardizing my future about losing my house and having to pay child support for a child that is in the womb now. I’m feeling jaded like I should have stayed single looking for some perspective thank you
Hi Chris. Glad the blog helped you. Have you spoke to your wife about your feelings? Maybe there is a conversation to be had about how much you should connect during the week since you are on the road. Would that help? People’s needs are different but unless people talk about them, they don’t get discussed and people walk away feeling sad and then they often appear more needy because they are getting some of their needs met. Before you infer things that may or may not be true, maybe try speaking to her. Hope that helps. DrD